X-Message-Number: 0013
Subject: Cryo-Humor
> From: (Joseph Francis)
> Newsgroups: sci.med
> Subject: Bodaceous (Re: cryonics & rationalization)
> Date: 14 May 92 16:48:15 GMT
> Organization: IRCAM, Paris (France)
. . .
JOJO's BODACEOUS SELF-PRESERVATION CLINIQUE
We offer you a series of procedures, though inane now, we are sure
will be thoroughly understood in the future and will bring you back
to life like you never knew. Money-back if not satisfied.
1) TELE-ENGRAM: your brain waves will be scanned and recorded with
our portable 16-channel digital nu-wave unit while you rest
listening to Burt Bacharach on a Moog synthesizer. The resulting
cassette will be duplicated and stored in our Rocky Mountain High
nuclear-war-proof storage facility to be reconsituted at an unspecified
future time. Your survivors get to keep one copy as a party cassette.
$8,439, tax included. Each additional cassette $322.
2) MRI-KEY-MOUSE: your body will be scanned head to toe in our MRI
facility at our fabulous Los Vegas offices, recording the
individual positions of all atomic nuclei in your body, to be
reconstituted at a later time. Tang was reconsitituted orange juice
for astronauts, who can say that a similarly-named procedure won't work
for you in the far-flung future? The resulting truckload of coded
information will be duplicated and stored in our Rocky Mountain High
nuclear-war-proof storage facility to be reconstituted at an
unspecified future time.
$153,000, all taxes included,
3) BEAM/MEUP, SCO-T: Using a high-power carbon-dioxide laser, your body
will be blasted to bits at the point of death, but not before each
individual atom has recorded not only it's position, but using our
patented techniques, it's momentum. The information may be reconstitued
at a future time, on a planet of your choosing, barring Klingon
invasion. The resulting warehouse if data will be duplicated and stored
in our Rocky Mountain High nuclear-war-proof storage facility to be
reconstituted at an unspecified future time.
$3,141,500, all taxes included.
4) 2/TUK-HAM'EN: After death, your brain will be carefully removed through
your nostrils, and your body freeze dried using the latest Maxwell-House
technology. Your brain goes in a genuine Sienna-Pottery Urn, preserved
in a refreshing mixture of Cointreau and Creme de Menthe. Your body
will be wrapped in Sea-Island cotton, and preserved with the best
aromatic gums, including but not limited to: Wrigley's Spearmit,
Juicy Fruit, and Doublemint (sugar-free for the insulin-challenged).
In the future, we hope that movie special effects technology will
be able to plump up your body and reattach your brain exactly as
it all was when you were in the best party mood. The remains will
be stored in a pyramidal enclosure (we don't *really know* do we?)
in our Rocky Mountain High nuclear-war-proof strage facility to
be reconstituted at an unspecified future time.
$250,000, all taxes included.
special for the '90s: second body only $90,000!
5) HOTWHILE/GRAB-M: our patented, simple procedure for guaranteeing
future reconstitution. A simple metal box you enter for 10 minutes.
The position of the box is recorded as precisely as possible relative
to the sun, the center of the Milky Way, and Alpha Centauri,
even factoring in local space-time gravitational curvature! The
information will recorded, and stored in our Rocky Mountain High
facilities, so in the future, when time-travel is possible,
your body can be snatched intact from a known coordinate, and
any diseases you have cured.
$995, all taxes included. Call a friend! Each additional friend
signing up only costs $100 extra! You even get to keep a simulated
"you are here" photo of the solar system with your exact,
personal coordinates.
Somni magazine sez: "Deceptively simple!"
Invest in the future!
--
| Le Jojo: Fresh 'n' Clean, speaking out to the way you want to live
| today; American - All American; doing, a bit so, and even more so.
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Date: 20 May 92 15:10:55 EDT
From: Andrew Davidson <>
Subject: Bodaceous
I enjoyed JoJo's lampoon at the expense of cryonauts like myself. We
should, of course, give up our ridiculous dream of omnipotent science
and seek long life in other, more certain ways. I sought statements
from their spokesmen...
CHURCH OF THE ONE TRUE GOD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothers, we don't promise you eternal life here on earth but in the greatly
superior accommodation afforded by heaven. All you have to do is
worship the correct deity and observe his rules. Get it wrong and
you will face eternal damnation, so choose carefully. Every detail
must be right - the One True God really cares about your opinion of
transubstantiation, Manichaeanism and other heresies. Seek your salvation
in paradise - 2 billion believers can't be wrong!
THE BIG WHEEL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey man, grok this: death is life - life is death. We're all just
travellers from one existence to the next, climbing the ladder to Nirvana.
In my first life, I was a trilobite - gee, that scuttling was some fun! In
my next life I'm hoping to be a movie star but I figure I need to put in a
lot more time on my mantra. You too could be the next Shirley Maclaine.
All ya gotta do is mellow out...
FRIENDS OF THE SOIL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Death isn't so bad - it's nature's way. In fact, with world
population the way it is, you have a duty to die. It is well known
that citizens of the US consume 25 times more resources than citizens
of the third-world. In the interests of world conservation we
therefore mandate that greedy US citizens should only live 1/25th of
the time of an Indian peasant, i.e. 2 years. So, what's keeping you
- you're well overdue. What, you want to live forever? Get out of
here - you're an ecological menace!
THE ETERNAL WICK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's all in your mind! Philosophers have shown that there is no true
reality - we are what we think. Join us and reject the unnecessary
concept of death. All you have to do is believe and you will live forever.
As a second stage member you can now join our new program - the Bottomless
Purse. All you need to do is expel the thought of poverty from your mind
and your wallet will never be empty. Who says that there is no Santa Claus?!
FEDERAL DEATH ADMINISTRATION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Under our administration, we have raised the life expectancy of the
average American by 2 months. You may therefore expect a lifespan of
100 years in approximately two millenia. Any gerontological
breakthrough in this time will, of course, be given a full and
careful scrutiny. We must, however, insist on detailed medical trials
because we have strong reason to believe that the so-called elixir of
youth will be found to be carcinogenic. If you have any further
questions, please consult a licensed medical practioner. He will be
pleased to assist your death at modest cost.
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HEALTH WARNING - The Surgeon-General advises that all statistics quoted
in the above parodies are wrong. Careless use will damage your credibility.
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Andrew Davidson
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Cryonics message #474 - Dr. Suess meets The Reaper
Date: 26 Sep 91 17:29:00 EDT
From: "Steven B. Harris" <>
:Subject: Dr. Seuss Buys the Farm
Dr. Suess meets The Reaper
Should we put him in a box? He won't jump out. We won't need locks.
Should we put him in a tomb? He doesn't seem to need much room.
Should we put him in a jar? Or spread his ashes near and far?
Should we salvage him for parts? There's always a demand for hearts!
Should we send him into space? It appeared to be his normal place.
Should we wrap him tight with gauze? And give him to a noble cause?
Let's just watch; see what he does. Let us, let us, Ted-That-Was.
--- Dirk Rosholt 73130,65
Thought you'd all enjoy this. All that's missing is
"Should we freeze him in a bag? We didn't see an Alcor tag..."
-- Steve
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Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ensure that the lightbulb is certifiably dead, one to
perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
to advance sufficiently to revive it.
Q: How many immortals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it may take him forever to do it.
- Kevin Q. Brown
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to
achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen
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>From: (Robert Reed)
>Newsgroups: rec.humor
>Subject: Re: YALBJ
>Date: 14 Jan 87 20:08:18 GMT
>Reply-To: (Robert Reed)
>Organization: CAE Systems Division, Tektronix Inc., Beaverton OR
> Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Here is a somewhat related bit of humor
I have no doubt I could freeze
My mother-in-law with the greatest ease.
The only thing that gives me pause
Is, what would happen when she thaws?
--Harold T. Meryman (cryobiologist)
Robert Reed, Tektronix CAE Systems Division,
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A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said "It's been hard since I lost him -
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
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Daffynitions:
neuromessage - an email message with a header but no body
metabolically challenged - in cryonic suspension
metabolically disadvantaged - in cryonic suspension
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Newsgroups: sci.cryonics
From: (Peter Alexander Merel)
Message-Subject: Practical Jokes to play on revived Suspenders
Message-ID: <>
Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1992 03:43:02 GMT
How about:
Dress up a bunch of your friends in long white robes and wings and give the
recently returned a few hours of Hallelujahs;
Or
Turn up the thermostat, paint the walls red and invite around a few
players from alt.sex.bondage;
Or
That transplant nightmare - you know, "What's wrong with my heart?" "Nothing.
There's something wrong with mine ..."
Or
Surround the suspender with americans, and say that the only people surviving
from their time were rich yanquis. Ooh, boy, wouldn't that do it to you? Makes
me break out in goose-bumps just thinking about it ...
--
Internet: UUCP: {uunet,mcvax}!munnari!cssc-syd!pete
Snail: 1/18-20 Orion Road, Lane Cove NSW 2066 Australia Phone: +61 2 911 3130
Consistency and Pedancy make for Genius. Um, Pedantry.
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From: tolman% (Kenneth Tolman)
Newsgroups: sci.cryonics
Message-Subject: Re: Practical Jokes to play on revived Suspenders
Message-ID: <>
Date: 20 Jul 92 06:17:41 GMT
References: <>
Bring them back surrounded by robots, which declare "This was the last one,
and it looks like it came through. It would have been a shame to lose that
race altogether"
Bring them back surrounded by people dressed as apes, and they are chained
to the wall.
Tell them how glad you are they have come back... and that there is this little
matter of a debt which has been accumulating interest for 500 years. Hand
them a bill...
Smile at them and say, "I'm sorry, by law we had to bring you back, but by
law we must put you back after your allotted time. You have one minute
to experience life, and then you must go back."
Tell them, "we are so glad you have returned. However, we do not wish any
bad influences on our perfect society, so we are placing you in a little
white room over here. We have conquered aging, so don't worry about dying,
you will enjoy your room very much. There is even a view of the Brackman
building from it."
Hand them a shovel, and point them towards the sewers...
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From: Charles Platt <>
Date: Tue Jul 21 12:17:55 EDT 1992
What's the difference between a rhinovirus and a neurosuspension?
A rhinovirus is likely to give you a head cold.
A neurosuspension, on the other hand . . . .
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Q: If Saul Kent and Paul Simon were to collaborate on a song,
what would it be called?
A: Fifty Ways to Freeze Your Mother.
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[ From message #1149 - Alcor Indiana #5, Part 2 ]
P.C.C. -- POLITICALLY CORRECT CRYONICS
by Richard Shock
In this age of spineless political campaigns, microscopically invasive
news media, and self-righteous self-important Self-Interest Groups --
excuse me, SPECIAL Interest Groups -- it behooves all of us to remember
that anything we say can and will be used against us (in or out of court).
We dare not offend anyone, particularly those who might be offended that
someone else's feelings could be trampled. At the current rate, within
five years none of us will be able to open our mouths without inviting
violent censure from some quarter.
To speed the inevitable implosion of this silliness, cryonicists
should stand up for their sacred right to be treated with kid gloves. The
following are a few suggestions:
"The aging" -- chronologically gifted; experientially enhanced persons.
(From THE OFFICIAL POLITICALLY CORRECT DICTIONARY AND HANDBOOK, by Henry
Beard and Christopher Cerf.)
"Dead (but a cryonics patient)" -- achieving an overall metabolic
deficiency.
"Dead (but NOT a cryonics patient)" -- assuming room temperature.
(From radio personality Rush Limbaugh.)
"In cryonic suspension" -- thermally challenged.
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When you ask, "How long do I have Doc?" and he looks at his watch, you
know you are in trouble. --Arel Lucas
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From:
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 93 10:41:31 PDT
[ ... ]
The *second* worse thing which can happen to you is to be suspended.
and:
Some years ago a new cryonicist asked a lawyer if an insurance company
could ask for their money back when a patient who had paid for their
suspension with insurance was revived. The lawyer thought about it
for a few seconds and (shades of Douglas Adams) advised "Stay dead for
seven years!"
[ ... ]
Q: What is the most common marital problems affecting suspension
patients.
A: Frigidity.
(a member who's wife is in suspension told a longer version of this
joke on Canadian national TV.)
Old wise cryonicist saying: "You can tell it is going to be a rough
day when you start out looking up from the bottom of an ice bath."
Risque cryonist's button/bumper sticker: "Cryonicists Stay Stiff
Longer!"
Q: What can you do for someone who is still hanging on weeks after the
doctors gave up on him?
A: Give him a pillow.
Q: What do you get when you go to Alcor to visit someone in suspension?
A: The cold shoulder.
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Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Dick Marsh or Robert Ettinger
(Who said it first?)
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