X-Message-Number: 1099
Date: Mon, 3 Aug 92 21:49:11 PDT
From: Lola McCrary <>
Subject: Obligations to Loved One(s) in Suspension

For mailing list and newsgroup.

[posts deleted for space considerations]

IMHO the real issue here is how *adults* negotiate their relationships.
Rules about fidelity and non-monogomay (be it serial or all at the same time)
*should* be individual to each relationship, clearly thought out by all
parties, throughly discussed (and rediscussed as anyone's feelings change), and
agreed upon by all involved.

Is this ideal?  You bet.  My impression is that most people follow "herd
mentalilty" about issues of love, sex and relationships.  They do *NOT* do the
above.  Therein lies the problem.  When one or both, or more people in a
relationship *assume* all others think and feel the way s/he does, about any
issue, then usually people get hurt because two or more people rarely think and
feel exactly the same way about anything, including love, sex, and
relationships.  Charles, you might want to consider dropping into some of the
alternative sexual newsgroups to see how people in alternative relationships
negotiate these things.  They may be the "minority" you mention, but the issue
is that they try not to leave any assumptions in the relationship.

If remarriage after suspension, and subsequent suspension of a second spouse
are an issue in anyone's relationship then the only anser we can give those
people is to think it out for themselves, and make decisions about how they
want to handle it.

Coming up with a pat answer for them would be a big mistake, just as coming up
with an answer for anyone about any of life's grey issues is a mistake.  It's
okay to say to someone, "Well, you have a problem then, don't you?"

We can't and won't convert everyone.  People who want a structured answer will
probably take to the easy, most logical answer, even if it is ultimately
unsatisfying, and makes them unhappy.  People only (IMHO) become *happy* when
they learn to think for themselves.

Individual rights are being lost in our country.  I feel we can only help
people to see this by helping them to see that by taking away someone else's
right to choose today (such as in the area of love, sexuality and
relationships, or even to be frozen) then they are opening the door for a
choice of their's to be taken away tomorrow.  I think it is a losing battle,
but we shouldn't give in to the temptation to provide easy answers for them in
any area.  That's what the government, with a mandate from many citizens, now
tries to do.

Some of this might be said to belong in other forums, so I won't go on much

A note to Steve Harris, however: The nice thing about human adults is that they
can change programming and conditioning.  Spouting sexist stereotypes about
monogamy, even if they seem sociologically or evolutionary based is awful.  I
hate it when people try to justify stereotypes by making it "scientifically"
based.  That was the argument used to justify treatment of Blacks and Jews
50-100 years ago.  <Flame off.>

Lola McCrary

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