X-Message-Number: 1113
Date: 08 Aug 92 23:10:05 EDT
From: "Allen J. Lopp" <>
Subject: CRYONICS - Spouses & Lovers in Suspension
Message-Id: <>


I find the discussion about spouses and lovers in suspension both amusing
and disturbing. I'd like to add my two cents, and mostly I would like to
second Lola McCrary's input on this topic.

Since I have identified and circulated in the American gay male community
for about twenty years, I hope I can bring a different perspective to this
discussion that at least a few will find insightful.

Heterosexual marriage is an "institution" that has been put in place by
two aspects of mass social action, the Church and the State. Historically,
one of the functions of the marriage institution is to address the
situation in which a man and a woman choose to share their lives together,
and to mandate to these individuals what the nature of their relationship
will be if they desire to fit smoothly into the fabric of the rest of

Lola has very wisely pointed out that the classic institution of marriage
might have little to do with a specific relationship between a specific
man and a specific woman. These individuals have the *right* to negotiate
the relationship *they* want, and to Hell with the Pope's and everyone
else's recipes. Since cryonic suspension is not a situation that the
Church and State have yet attacked with the cosmic Cookie Cutter of
Social Engineering, individual discussions about what the partners want
and are willing to commit to seems like the obvious wise course of action.
Hopefully no one has already gone into suspension yet --- but if they
have, well, my attitude is that one's life is always one's own, and you
get to make your own decisions along with suffering all the fear and
trembling that that entails.

Since homosexual relationships have not been included in the social
cookie cutter called "marriage", gay men and lesbians have been left more
on their own to individually tailor their relationships --- at least,
this has been my experience. (Despite the clamorings of many gay
activists for the legalization of gay marriages, I personally find this
to be more of a blessing than a curse.) Some have entered into strictly
monogamous relationships, and others get into relationships that are
"emotionally monogamous" but sexually non-monogamous; I have even known a
few instances of "marriages" among three or even four men. Personally, I
find the challenge of keeping one lover at a time happy tricky enough,
even though I find the fantasy of having rewarding loving relationships
with two or three partners simultaneously a very attractive one.

The point is simply that 1) most of us have been raised with the teaching
that the parameters of a marriage relationship are formulated by society
and are not subject to individual negotiation --- but now that we are
sovereign adults living in a (supposedly) freer society, this paradigm
needs to be re-examined; 2) the relationship is not an end in itself ---
relationships exist to satisfy (hopefully) the emotional needs of
individuals, and it is the *individuals* that are important, NOT THE

This second point is very important, for it has taken my a 37-year
lifetime to really learn that I am a complete individual whether I am
currently in a relationship or currently single. The notion that someone
would base a decision about continuing to live or committing suicide ---
or abandoning plans for cryonic suspension --- because of the presence or
loss of a relationship seems to me to be indicative of an immature sense
of personhood. (I do not say this judgmentally --- I say it even though I
personally have thought about suicide while grieving over the loss of an
important relationship, even recently. I simply have learned to separate
my emotional pain from my philosophical grasp of what being a human being
must sometimes entail.)

Well, I expect I have said about enough. My parting thought, Charles et
al, is this: I have a former lover who is signed up for suspension, a
friend in suspension who I suspect I might enjoy being lovers with, and
the man I am currently involved with is considering cryonics as well.
Moreover, there are a number of attractive men in cryonics (presumably
heterosexual) that I sometimes fantasize about (not a lot, just a
little), and since the future could possibly dispose them to be more open
about homosexual relationships I don't consider them to be certainly
forever unavailable. Even more, in the future I might have the option to
re-wire myself to increase the psychological rewards I might get out of
heterosexual relationships, making me bi-sexual in the truest sense, and
I might have the option to switch into a female body from time to time if
a heterosexual man I am interested in won't consider experimenting with a
homosexual relationship (full disclosure, of course). Then there's the
chance to explore eroticism with those new androgynous creatures from the
Vega system --- you know, the ones that telepathically stimulate your
prostate gland with lightning bolts? What a rush! And don't forget the
promises of virtual reality and teledildonics. Confused? Just whip up
your ideal lover in the holodex room! (Five dollars for the first three

Well everyone, are you still with me? I doubt that the current rules
about sex and love will still be around in the 22nd Century --- although
they, too, I expect, will still be among the OPTIONS. Anyone still
worried about working things out with two former wives? It might be the
LEAST of your concerns!!!

Bon amor ...

Allen J. Lopp

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