X-Message-Number: 12814
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 16:59:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Doug Skrecky <>
Subject: (fwd) Dave Barry's opinion on various diets:

(a little humor to lighten your day)

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: "Jozef Halada"
Newsgroups: alt.support.diet.zone

Can be found at:

http://www1.sjmercury.com/columnists/barry/docs/db111499.htm

Diet debates can leave you hungry for facts
BY DAVE BARRY
ONE recent Tuesday morning I was flipping through the TV channels at a
brisk, businesslike, no-nonsense pace, looking for Rocky and Bullwinkle,
when I found myself caught up in a fascinating installment of Leeza Gibbons'
talk show, ``Leeza.'' The theme of the show was: ``Women Who Cannot
Correctly Spell Their Own Names.''

No, seriously, the theme was: ``Superstars of the Diet Wars.'' This was a
debate among top diet experts, who felt so strongly about the correct way to
lose weight that at times they came close to whacking each other over the
head with their competing diet books.

Dieting was not always so complicated. Thousands of years ago, there was
only one diet book, titled ``Don't Eat Too Much.'' It consisted of a big
stone tablet on which were chiseled the words ``DON'T EAT TOO MUCH!'' It did
not sell well, because nobody could lift it, on top of which everybody back
then was busy with other concerns, such as not starving.

In modern America, however, food is abundant everywhere except aboard
commercial airplanes. Dieting has become a huge industry involving many
complex theories that can be confusing to the average layperson sitting on
the Barcalounger, trying to decide whether to open a second bag of potato
chips or simply eat the onion dip right out of the tub. So let's review the
History of Modern Diet Science:

The first big advance came in 1895, when a food researcher named Dr. Wilbur
Calorie made the breakthrough discovery, while working late one night, that
he could no longer pull his pants up past his thighs. After spending many
hours in the laboratory squinting at fudge, Dr. Calorie concluded that
people gain weight because certain foods contain tiny invisible scientific
units that became known, in honor of their discoverer, as ``Wilburs.''

No, sorry, I mean ``calories.'' For decades, everybody operated on the
Calorie Counter Theory of dieting, which basically states that you should
never eat anything that tastes good. Then along came a new theory, the Evil
Fat Theory, which states that you CAN have calories, but you should NOT have
fat; this resulted in the multibillion-dollar Low-Fat Things Industry, which
gave us low-fat brownies, low-fat Milk Duds, low-fat cows, low-fat cologne,
the cast of ``Friends,'' etc.

But there is ANOTHER major theory that says you can eat all the fat you
want, but you CAN'T have carbohydrates; that you can snork down an entire
pig for breakfast, but eat a single Froot Loop and you will bloat out like a
military life raft. The Evil Carbohydrate Theory is extremely hot at the
moment, as is evidenced by the top-selling diet books, which include
``Carbohydrate Beaters,'' ``Carbohydrate Busters,'' ``Carbohydrate
Whackers,'' ``Let's Poke Carbohydrates in the Eyeball,'' ``Carbohydrates
Kidnapped My Wife'' and ``Fight Carbohydrates Through Sorcery the Harry
Potter Way.''

So it's hard for a dieter to know what to think, which is why it was so
helpful for the ``Leeza'' show to hold a debate among the leading diet
experts, including several medical doctors, several people with scientific
initials after their names, and of course Suzanne Somers, who may yet win a
Nobel Prize for her work on the ThighMaster, and who is now a top diet
authority with a book out. It is only a matter of time before she thinks
seriously about running for president.

SO ANYWAY, the diet experts debated their theories, and Leeza walked around
frowning with the deep concern that talk-show hosts feel about everything.
The audience provided feedback by holding up cards that said YES on one side
and NO on the other. (At one point an expert mentioned the first law of
thermodynamics, and Leeza asked if anybody knew what that was, and the
audience consensus was NO). In between there were numerous commercials, most
of which were for law firms that want to Fight For You, although there was
also a thought-provoking one for a toilet cleanser.

Anyway, I watched the experts debate for an hour, and here's what I learned:


a..  The (pick one: low-calorie; low-fat; low-carbohydrate) diet really
works!

b..  Whereas the (pick one: low-calorie; low-fat, low-carbohydrate) diet
will probably kill you.

c..  Suzanne Somers, in all objectivity, thinks you should buy her book.

d..  If you are a human being of any kind, you should file a lawsuit,
because YOU HAVE MONEY COMING!

e..  Speaking of TV attorneys, toilet bacteria grow like CRAZY.
So there are the facts, consumers; it's now up to you to make an informed
decision. Remember: It's YOUR body. And, as such, it wants a chili dog.




----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Dave Barry writes for the Miami Herald.



-- end of forwarded message --

Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=12814