X-Message-Number: 15231 Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2001 21:01:36 +0000 From: Phil Rhoades <> Subject: Humour . . From HMS Beagle - with a few technical errors and some moderately amusing bits. Phil. Corpsicle, Inc. by Jim Erkiletian Posted December 22, 2000 Issue 93 It may be difficult to believe, but some people are interested in living forever. Granted, we are all reaching for a time when disease is conquered and the human lifespan is extended for hundreds of years, if not longer. Eventually entropy will get us all, if the big bang theory is correct, but until then there is no reason to believe we couldn't live at least for thousands of years. There is evidence, biblical and other, that some of our ancestors lived for over 900 years (perhaps until proton decay set in). Canadian television aired a documentary some months ago on how some folks are working to extend life. Most are adopting more healthful eating and exercise habits. Some, however, are having their bodies frozen in liquid nitrogen, the theory being that eventually a cure will be found for whatever disease they died from, not to mention severe frostbite. The goal: Rebirth in a future free of such inconveniences as sickness and death. The more probable result: You will live until the next time you need to be frozen. Sounds uncomfortable, if not downright painful, being brought back to life from minus 400 degrees Celsius. But it might work. If you have the foresight to put some cash in the bank first, a few hundred years of compounded interest might be a nice little nest egg awaiting your revival. On the other hand, inflation could eat it up, the banks could go bust, or new laws could make it worthless. Heirs might be a bit perturbed when Grandpa leaves his fortune and property to himself; such a lobby group should not be underestimated if the practice becomes widespread. Aside from the psychological effect on the descendants, what does it portend for the rest of us? Will Medicare pay for it? Under our Constitution, shouldn't all Americans have the right to immortality? Or is it to be a privilege of the rich? Present costs for this procedure run around $75,000 for start-up costs, the machinery, the liquid nitrogen, the building, and so forth; plus the additional $1,500 a month for overhead, upkeep, and monitoring. It ain't cheap, but then it's a high-tech solution to what could well be a low-tech problem. Consider that present cryogenic facilities are located in places like California and Florida, which have fairly warm climates. Then consider that a corpse is frozen stiff as soon as its temperature falls below zero degrees Celsius, regardless of whether or not it's in a nitrogen bath. Is all that extra cold really necessary? Hardly. Some scientists believe the quick-frozen body immersed in liquid nitrogen will be easier to revive, and that various delicate body parts will keep better in that state, but not one of them has ever revived a human from liquid nitrogen. Cold is cold, and below zero is solidity for a corpse. It might even be easier to revive from, say, minus 40 degrees Celsius than from colder temperatures. In fact, some humans have been revived after falling into the icy waters of the far North. Granted they were only frozen for a few minutes, but would a few thousand years make that much difference? My guess is that it will be much easier to unfreeze a corpse from an icicle than it will be from the horrendous cold of liquid nitrogen. Historic evidence exists to support this viewpoint. Various species of frog, fish, and salamander can live for many months in a frozen state. But what of the warm-blooded mammals, to which humans belong? Twenty-thousand-year-old mammoths have been recovered from Siberia, with recognizable flowers still in their stomachs and their meat still edible. (Scientists ate some, saying it tasted like mud.) And what about humans? A few years ago a 5,000-year-old frozen man was recovered from a glacier in the Alps. The rescue party thought it was the corpse of a modern-day climber until they found his copper-bladed axe. Granted, we don't presently have the skills to bring him back to life, but he was still more or less intact after five millennia frozen in a glacier. With the rate of scientific advances taking place today, five millennia should be long enough to find a cure for just about anything. A colder climate would at least reduce the need for refrigeration apparatus. And it would provide one option that previous operations have not, a place where poor people's corpses can be buried that is guaranteed to be below freezing for a good many years. Permafrost is one thing Canadians have plenty of. Why not use some of it to give those who want it a shot at immortality? Funeral directors, take note. A couple of acres above the Arctic Circle could provide room for a few thousand corpses. The only investment being in a big auger or backhoe, some wire fencing to keep the wolves and bears out (wouldn't want to revive Grandma to find she'd had a foot chewed off), a tattoo needle or toe tags to label each body, and housing for the caretaker. Viola! A comfortable resting place until revival. No heavy-duty maintenance, and no noisy machinery to spoil the long sleep. Plus the dearly departed gets to lie down instead of being stood on end in a cryogenic chamber. It would be a good bit more sanitary, too, considering the equipment needed for present cryogenic facilities. As anyone who has ever worked as a mechanic knows, machinery breaks down. What happens to Grandma's body in Florida when the electricity goes kaput for a few days during the big hurricane of 2010? Not a problem in the North. We're looking at very little upkeep once the corpse is in the ground. At most there will be a $3,000 initial cost for transportation and burial, and perhaps two or three hundred dollars a month for upkeep; quite a saving for even a mildly plump estate. Heirs, especially, would likely opt for the cheaper plan, given the opportunity. Perhaps an enterprising entrepreneur could talk the government out of one of those old DEW line sites. We'll want another cemetery nearby for pets of those who wish to be frozen as well. It might be wise to institute an escape clause in our contract just in case global warming and holes in the ozone bring a premature thaw to our great Canadian and U.S. North. Jim Erkiletian is a logger-environmentalist who has played banjo from the stages of the Yukon to the streets of Vancouver. - Philip Rhoades Pricom Pty Limited (ACN 003 252 275) GPO Box 3411 Sydney NSW 2001 Australia Mobile: +61:0411-185-652 Fax: +61:2:8923-5363 E-mail: Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=15231