X-Message-Number: 18061
Date: Sat, 1 Dec 2001 20:43:25 EST
Subject: Death Rate

Excerpted from "The Onion" (publication of a Random House subsidiary):
Geneva: WHO officials expressed disappointment that, despite enormous 
efforts, the global death rate remains steady at 100 percent.

Death, a metabolic affliction causing shutdown of all life functions, has 
long been considered humanity's number one health concern. Responsible for 
100 percent of all recorded fatalities worldwide, the condition has no cure.

"The inability of doctors and scientists to address and confront this issue 
of death is nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Grella 
said. "Do you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? I do, 
and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total decomposition of 
the corpse is the result."

"Everybody talks about death," U.S. Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but 
nobody seems to actually be doing anything about it. I propose we stop 
molly-coddling death, not to mention the multibillion dollar hospital, 
mortuary, funeral, and burial industries that reap huge profits from it."

Ralph Nader agreed. "Why should we continue to spend billions a year on a 
health care industry whose sole purpose is to prevent death, only to find 
that death still awaits us all? That's called a zero percent return on our 
investment. Enough is enough. I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't 
ever want to die."

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