X-Message-Number: 20736 From: Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002 02:18:49 EST Subject: Anyone else out there depressed? (perhaps off topic.) --part1_1aa.df2fb69.2b414d59_boundary Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Hello, cryoneters. Those of you that know me even a little either personally or through my writings will recognize that this is not my usual posting. It is 1:30 AM in Florida, and I cannot sleep because I am so disturbed by some things which are going on in my life. While this posting may be profoundly off topic for cryonet, perhaps the issues raised about "why does life have to be such a drag" are profoundly ON topic regarding our feeble attempts to generate popularity of cryonics and extreme life extension. I have been thinking about Harvey Newstrom's post on cryonet. And appreciating his candor and humaness. For a confirmed Extropian and leader in the "things are gonna be better in the future" school of thought to share his personal misgivings is moving in an emotional and disturbing way. I know most people have bigger problems than I am facing this moment. I am, in truth, embarrassed that my problems in life have robbed me of what has heretofore been a pretty resiliant "joy of life" (I won't attempt the French) that I like to think has been my personal trademark. Here is my main issue, posted where internet search engines can pull this up for the next thousand years. While most of you know that I am a licensed insurance broker, I am also a broker of mutual funds and variable annuities. These are regulated by the insurance boards of various states, but also by the quasi-governmental group called the "National Association of Securties Dealers" the NASD. During the mid 90s, I, along with my compatriots, made some "viatical settlements" available to some of my best clients. This was done with the full approval of my uplines, and I have done NOTHING wrong, these investments have not worked out very well for the few investors I involved in this program, because the viators selling the policies have outlived their expected lifespans, and the investors money is tied up, perhaps indefinately. These programs were not and still are not "securities" to be regulated by NASD Nazis, but the bottom line is that the NASD, years later, is trying to regulate these, and looking for scapegoats for this and other "non-regulated" investment products. I have cooperated fully, been totally forthcoming and honest, and genuinely thought that I would get a letter of full support and maintain my perfect record with all regulators, after going to do an "on the record" interview with the NASD. Instead, right before Christmas, two weeks ago, I get a letter from the NASD saying, in essence, "We don't think you have done anything wrong as such, except you violated some reporting reqirements to your firm. And we are going to suspend your license for 9 months and fine you $20,000." I am a "big boy" pretty much, and did not consider myself particulary nieve about injustice. But, excuse my arrogance for a moment, things like this just don't happen to ME! The RAGE, ANGER, and VITRIOLIC thoughts that obsessively course through my brain for the last two weeks have been unprecedented in my experience. The sense of helplessness in the face of injustice and government oversight has been astonishing to me. Both my wife Dawn and I are just devastated. I bounce from profound sadness to levels of rage that are foreign to me. The motherfuckers who are doing this nonsense are in Atlanta, faceless and not directly reachable except through my attorney. And, yes, I know this is a public board and that everything is on the record here, and I should be controlled, not cuss or be open, candid, or unguarded. I have never even hired an attorney until this issue. 23 years of a virtually spotless record, no lawsuits, never had a legal glitch with a client, never sued or been sued, all this very unusual in my business. So, my livlihood, my lifestyle, my sense of self which is intimately tied to my profession and credibility and integrity, all being questioned and at risk. In a separate issue, but also frustrating, is another phenomena unique to my experience, although evidently not other people's. We decorate extensively for every holiday, have about 100,000 white lights and about 100 Christmas icons in our yard. And someone or ones has been consistently, deliberately and repeatedly vandalizing our lights and decorations. We live in a reasonably nice neighborhood, usually don't even lock the doors on our cars in the driveway. "What the HELL is going on?" And this sense of violation is added to the grief and uncertainty the NASD is causing, and I am more than "PISSED OFF". I am sad. Profoundly disturbed, like the lost innocents of childhood has been snatched away permanently, and the bleakness and bareness of my life and all life is laid bare to be seen in its immense, uncaring awfullness. And I feel a little of what motivates people to be really hateful. The rage against injustice, the rage against a faceless person who is abusing you for no reason...it is really an uncomfortable thing. And, the irony is, I UNDERSTAND that these problems are petty in the overall scheme of things. I understand intellectually, but my heart and my lizard brain are doing a real dance on my consciousness. I also have a really weird disease called "chronic fatigue/immune deficiency disease" that kind of comes and goes with a multitude of symptoms that mimic laziness, and cause me to look at the dark side of myself and others. My throat and neck glands swell, my head hurts, I get beligerant (Dawn calls it "my beligerance bug") and no amount of Life Extension Vitamins or regimes seem to effect a permanent cure. So, this is TOTALLY inappropriate in this venue. And I don't have time for a lot of personal sympathy emails with your tales of woe to put mine in perspective. I know this attitudinal "mindfuck" will eventually go away, one way or another. But it is cheaper to write this here, and safer, than to lay it on my local friends. And this is cheaper than paying a shrink to listen. And I have been developing a suspicion that there are some folks out there like us who are generally pretty positive who have gotten a bit "creamed" by life as of late. The economy, the rumors and realities of war (WARS!?), the psychic losses of 9/11.... There is such a thing as "group consciousness", and ours is not looking particularly hopeful as we face 2003. I promise to not try to make Cryonet into a psychobabble forum. This posting and it's type will not be repeated. Any thoughts? Rudi PS. Thanks to you all for being there. --part1_1aa.df2fb69.2b414d59_boundary Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII" [ AUTOMATICALLY SKIPPING HTML ENCODING! ] Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=20736