X-Message-Number: 20736
From: 
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002 02:18:49 EST
Subject: Anyone else out there depressed? (perhaps off topic.)

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Hello, cryoneters.

Those of you that know me even a little either personally or through my 
writings will recognize that this is not my usual posting.

It is 1:30 AM in Florida, and I cannot sleep because I am so disturbed by 
some things which are going on in my life.  While this posting may be 
profoundly off topic for cryonet, perhaps the issues raised about "why does 
life have to be such a drag" are profoundly ON topic regarding our feeble 
attempts to generate popularity of cryonics and extreme life extension.

I have been thinking about Harvey Newstrom's post on cryonet.  And 
appreciating his candor and humaness.  For a confirmed Extropian and leader 
in the "things are gonna be better in the future" school of thought to share 
his personal misgivings is moving in an emotional and disturbing way.

I know most people have bigger problems than I am facing this moment.  I am, 
in truth, embarrassed that my problems in life have robbed me of what has 
heretofore been a pretty resiliant "joy of life" (I won't attempt the French) 
that I like to think has been my personal trademark.

Here is my main issue, posted where internet search engines can pull this up 
for the next thousand years.  

While most of you know that I am a licensed insurance broker, I am also a 
broker of mutual funds and variable annuities.  These are regulated by the 
insurance boards of various states, but also by the quasi-governmental group 
called the "National Association of Securties Dealers" the NASD.  

During the mid 90s, I, along with my compatriots, made some "viatical 
settlements" available to some of my best clients.  This was done with the 
full approval of my uplines, and I have done NOTHING wrong, these investments 
have not worked out very well for the few investors I involved in this 
program, because the viators selling the policies have outlived their 
expected lifespans, and the investors money is tied up, perhaps indefinately. 
 

These programs were not and still are not "securities" to be regulated by 
NASD Nazis, but the bottom line is that the NASD, years later, is trying to 
regulate these, and looking for scapegoats for this and other "non-regulated" 
investment products.

I have cooperated fully, been totally forthcoming and honest, and genuinely 
thought that I would get a letter of full support and maintain my perfect 
record with all regulators, after going to do an "on the record" interview 
with the NASD.  

Instead, right before Christmas, two weeks ago, I get a letter from the NASD 
saying, in essence, "We don't think you have done anything wrong as such, 
except you violated some reporting reqirements to your firm.  And we are 
going to suspend your license for 9 months and fine you $20,000."  

I am a "big boy" pretty much, and did not consider myself particulary nieve 
about injustice. 

But, excuse my arrogance for a moment, things like this just don't happen to 
ME!  The RAGE, ANGER, and VITRIOLIC thoughts that obsessively course through 
my brain for the last two weeks have been unprecedented in my experience.  

The sense of helplessness in the face of injustice and government oversight 
has been astonishing to me.  Both my wife Dawn and I are just devastated.  I 
bounce from profound sadness to levels of rage that are foreign to me.  The 
motherfuckers who are doing this nonsense are in Atlanta, faceless and not 
directly reachable except through my attorney.  
 
And, yes, I know this is a public board and that everything is on the record 
here, and I should be controlled, not cuss or be open, candid, or unguarded.  


I have never even hired an attorney until this issue.  23 years of a 
virtually spotless record, no lawsuits, never had a legal glitch with a 
client, never sued or been sued, all this very unusual in my business.  

So, my livlihood, my lifestyle, my sense of self which is intimately tied to 
my profession and credibility and integrity, all being questioned and at 
risk.  

In a separate issue, but also frustrating, is another phenomena unique to my 
experience, although evidently not other people's.  

We decorate extensively for every holiday, have about 100,000 white lights 
and about 100 Christmas icons in our yard.  And someone or ones has been 
consistently, deliberately and repeatedly vandalizing our lights and 
decorations.  We live in a reasonably nice neighborhood, usually don't even 
lock the doors on our cars in the driveway.

"What the HELL is going on?"

And this sense of violation is added to the grief and uncertainty the NASD is 
causing, and I am more than "PISSED OFF".  I am sad.  Profoundly disturbed, 
like the lost innocents of childhood has been snatched away permanently, and 
the bleakness and bareness of my life and all life is laid bare to be seen in 
its immense, uncaring awfullness.

And I feel a little of what motivates people to be really hateful.  The rage 
against injustice, the rage against a faceless person who is abusing you for 
no reason...it is really an uncomfortable thing.

And, the irony is, I UNDERSTAND that these problems are petty in the overall 
scheme of things.  I understand intellectually, but my heart and my lizard 
brain are doing a real dance on my consciousness.  

I also have a really weird disease called "chronic fatigue/immune deficiency 
disease" that kind of comes and goes with a multitude of symptoms that mimic 
laziness, and cause me to look at the dark side of myself and others.  My 
throat and neck glands swell, my head hurts, I get beligerant (Dawn calls it 
"my beligerance bug") and no amount of Life Extension Vitamins or regimes 
seem to effect a permanent cure.

So, this is TOTALLY inappropriate in this venue.  And I don't have time for a 
lot of personal sympathy emails with your tales of woe to put mine in 
perspective.  I know this attitudinal "mindfuck" will eventually go away, one 
way or another.

But it is cheaper to write this here, and safer, than to lay it on my local 
friends.  And this is cheaper than paying a shrink to listen.  

And I have been developing  a  suspicion that there are some folks out there 
like us who are generally pretty positive who have gotten a bit "creamed" by 
life as of late.

The economy, the rumors and realities of war (WARS!?), the psychic losses of 
9/11.... There is such a thing as "group consciousness",  and ours is not 
looking particularly hopeful as we face 2003.

I promise to not try to make Cryonet into a psychobabble forum.  This posting 
and it's type will not be repeated.

Any thoughts?

Rudi

 PS.  Thanks to you all for being there.  

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