X-Message-Number: 47
From: Kevin Q. Brown
Subject: Keystone Coroners
Date: 20 Dec 1988

The same merry troupe of Riverside County coroners who raided ALCOR in the
Dora Kent case this January have been busy during 1988 creating more
embarrassments for their administration.  The October 1988 issue of Cryonics
presented the "Keystone Coroners":

The July 26, 1988 Riverside Press-Enterprise reported "Body of suspected
homicide victim cremated by mistake".  Through a series of errors, the
ever-resourceful Dan Cupido, Deputy Coroner of Riverside County, managed to
release for cremation the body of a 29-year woman (the suspected homicide
victim) rather than the body of an old man.  Since no autopsy had yet
been conducted, this event considerably set back the murder investigation.

Next, the Sept. 27 Press-Enterprise reported "Coroner official sued in will
dispute".  Dan Cupido starred in this episode of a suspicious-looking will
that made him executor, one of the witnesses, and heir to the entire half
million dollar estate of former Deputy Coroner Jack Cook.  The Cryonics article
reported that this will was executed when Mr. Cook was critically ill and
"on high doses of steroid medication known to affect mood and judgement."
Furthermore, since it was scrawled on two small pieces of scrap paper, in two
different hands, using poor English, with no third party on hand to protect
Mr. Cook's rights, one naturally wonders how the will was really written.
The relatives of Mr. Cook are, of course, suing to invalidate this will.

Finally, not to be outdone by Dan Cupido, two Coroner's Office associates,
Brad and Didi Birdsall, made headlines with their home "chop shop" business.
I will let Dan Bernstein's column (from the Tuesday, Oct. 4 Press-Enterprise)
explain this one:

  'Moonlighting' in the county: Just another little slice of life
                                 * * *
  No matter how you cut it, Brad and Did Birdsall are Riverside County's
  Fun Couple 1988.  They've given "part-time job" and "piece work" entirely
  new meanings.
  I thought my wife and I were a wacky duo.  Each night, we carve up a few
  table scraps for little Guido.  The Birdsalls?  They carve up Uncle Marvin.
  (I assume that Brad and Didi have gone Cuisinart.  It's THE name in home-
  autopsy technology.)
  The Birdsalls are two more members of the Riverside County Ringling Bros.
  Coroner's Office.  I don't want to get overly graphic about just what it is
  that Brad and Didi do, but if they ever have you over to the house, bring
  your own hanky.  You wouldn't want to ask THEM for a tissue.
                                 * * *
  The Birdsalls' in-home whittling came to light when they moved out of their
  Riverside house and neglected to clean out the picnic area.  Yes, picnic
  area.  Weren't they afraid of ants?  The Birdsalls' picnic area and garage
  were stocked with boxes and bags and even a bucket of human leftovers.  It
  was if Colonel Sanders had been gearing up to unveil a new secret recipe:
  Bucket O' Parts, just $2.99!  (Of course, Colonel Sanders is dead.  You
  don't think ... Naaaaahh.)
  The boxes and bags and bucket were discovered by an apoplectic Puffy the
  cat, who, at most, has eight lives to go: Puffy belongs to Gail and Mike
  McClure, who bought the home from the Birdsalls.  You can't say the McClures
  weren't warned, though.
  The Birdsalls left a note, inviting the McClures to call if they ran into
  any problems.  I don't know about you, but if someone left me a note like
  that, I'd immediately think, "Sounds like human body parts.  Guess I'd
  better have a look."
  The Birdsall inventory included a purple heart, but not even Dan Quayle
  would wear it.  There was also a stomach.  Which reminds me of another
  Birdsall social tip: If they ever have you over to the house, take a
  rain check on the chopped liver.
  Last social tip: Make other plans for Halloween.
                                 * * *
  The real losers in all this have to be the McClures, who obviously failed to
  purchase one of those home warranty policies that guarantee all appliances -
  including stoves, hot water heaters, human hearts, etc. - for 90 days.
  Otherwise, they could have cashed in.
  As for the entrailpreneurial Birdsalls.  I'm afraid that when you leave
  boxes of body parts in a picnic area, some people - even the Riverside
  County coroner - feel obliged to make inquiries.  If I had to offer a
  personal note of support for Riverside County's Fun Couple, it would be this:
  No matter how tough things get, just remember, the couple that flays together
  stays together.  And never forget your sacred matrimonial / coroner vows:
  Till death we do parts.

Happy Holidays!
                                       - Kevin Q. Brown
                                       ...{att|clyde|cuae2}!ho4cad!kqb
                                       

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