X-Message-Number: 7998
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 22:10:29 -0800 (PST)
From: John K Clark <>
Subject: What am I?
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I had decided that the only way to get Acme Protection Agency off my back was
to make a duplicate of myself, that way they couldn't tell which one killed
the original John Clark so they couldn't prosecute either one of us.
I walked into the chamber expecting to see my double materialize next to me,
but nothing happened. Terrified that the machine was malfunctioning I ran to
the control panel, one of these days I've got to figure out a way to build a
matter duplicating machine without using 89 pounds of enriched plutonium.
To my surprise I could not find anything wrong with the machine, then I
noticed I wasn't alone. A large tough looking man was staring at me.
"What the hell! How did you get in here?" I yelled at him.
"Oh, sorry, sorry, didn't mean to offend, ah, are you John Clark" He stammered.
For a tough looking guy he was sure acting like a wimp. I never could
intimidate big gorillas like this guy, but I guess those assertiveness
training tapes I bought on the home shopping network were paying off after
all.
"Yea I'm Clark and who the fuck are you" I said in the tough man voice the
tapes had taught me.
Then I noticed it was dark outside, 5 minutes before when I walked into the
chamber it was about noon.
" What's going on?" I said, not sounding quite so tough.
" Oh I'm sorry, my name is Spade, Sam Spade, I'm a private investigator,
I work for Acme, but don't worry I'm not here to arrest you or anything.
Ten and a half days have passed since you walked into that chamber, and
there is nothing wrong with your machine, it's sort of hard to explain but
the fact is, I used the machine's maintenance logs to reconstruct you
5 minutes ago, just as you were the last time you used the machine,
10 and a half days ago."
For some, finding out they were a copy of a copy would be big news, but for
me it was getting to be old hat. What was amazing was that some gum shoe had
done it, and from the maintenance log. The information on the state of the
machine and thus on every object I ever duplicated is in those computer logs,
but the format of the logs would make it difficult to extract because that's
not what they were made for. I never used them for anything except
troubleshooting the machine.
"My congratulations Mr. Spade" I said " it's not every private eye that has a
good enough working knowledge of Schrodinger's Wave Equation, quantum
coherence and non linear error correcting codes to read those logs correctly".
"Yeah well... I got an A in shop class when I was a kid" He said with a touch
of pride.
"Oh, that explains it." I said " But what's been going on for the last
10 days?"
Spade said "The copy of John Clark did duplicate himself, but apparently the
two versions didn't get along".
"My third wife always told me I'm a hard man to live with" I said a little
sheepishly.
"Both Clarks are dead, and they died at almost exactly the same time,
it could be accidental, but the deaths are a little suspicious, especially
when you consider two almost identical posts made to the to the Internet by
them that are somewhat incriminating. One Clark was found in his car at the
bottom of a thousand foot cliff. The roads were icy, but the brake lines
didn't look quite right to me. The other Clark was found crushed under a
Coke machine. The consensus is that he put in his 50 cents and when it
didn't give him his Coke he started beating on it until the machine tipped
over on him and fractured his skull. Well maybe, but that machine was heavy,
I tried, I could tip it over and I'm bigger than he was. I think they killed
each other, they were similar enough to want to kill each other but diverged
enough in 10 days to chose different methods".
" Now you can't blame that on me" I said indignity, " I know nothing about it,
I didn't even exist then, well not exactly..."
"Nobody's blaming you" Spade said soothingly " and you are still one of our
clients, so when I mentioned the maintenance logs in my report my boss said
we were legally bound to make a good faith effort to revive you, so he told
me to give it a try and do my best."
He brought out a document from his coat " I am also authorized to offer you
this deal, Acme agrees not to prosecute you in any manner for this incident
and to seal the case file, there are those who might find it, ah, titillating.
In return, you absolve Acme of any liability in this matter and agree to
resign from The Acme Protection agency within 5 working days. The unused
portion of your premium will of course be refunded."
Now you can't beat that deal with a stick, I signed the paper before they
could change their mind.
I said " I want to thank you Mr. Spade for bringing me back. Can I offer you
a drink?"
He was already heading for his car at a trot "Thanks but no" He said " I've
got this, this important thing I've got to do, It's ah, a thing of importance,
I've got to, ah, wash the lawn, I mean mow the dog, I mean... good-bye".
I'm afraid our Mr.Spade is a bit of an oddball, I seem to run across more
and more people like him lately.
As I stood there amid the smell of burning rubber a disturbing thought
occurred to me, it was a pretty tricky job to get all the information about
me just from the maintenance logs, was I really OK, had Spade gotten
everything right? I've always been good at mental arithmetic so I gave myself
a test, 5 and 8 is 13, 19 minus 6 is 12, 8 times 9 is 73. Right on the money!
That was reassuring.
I must be John Clark, I have all of his memories, I remembered a happy day in
my childhood when I joined the Vladimer Lenin fan club and received an
autographed 8 by 10 glossy of the master that has hung in a place of honor
in my bedroom until it disappeared that very day. Spade must of stolen it.
I remembered my triumphant election as the head of SHIT (Stop Heretical
Independent Thoughts) and how I had always hated the Extropian and Transhuman
philosophy. The memory of the time I played Twister in The Kremlin with
Marilyn Monroe, J Edgar Hoover and The Dalai Lama while the Pope serenaded us
with a lovely rendition of Louie Louie, are as sharp in my mind as the day
it happened.
Clearly there was nothing wrong with my mind, but what about my body?
I looked at myself in a mirror and I don't want to brag or anything but I
looked great! My skin was a nice healthy blue, the scales on the tail were
strong and sharper than ever. I smiled, what women wouldn't fall for that
infectious grin and the handsome green slime that oozed out between my fangs
and fell artistically to the floor.
John K Clark
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